I can't believe its already the end of 2003. My wife just called "lets eat" so I gotta make this fast. I'm down here visiting family in MO and having a good time. First time out of the city in four months or so. Wee one wants to pound on the keyboard: ,kds lo kj dxcjmse xkl,as znhs ik,sazjm. There. Got it out of your system kid? No? k iik edrf oied perikr olr j. OK.
She's so cute. Missevbg fgbfddf missed her nap today. Moody.

Watched "the ballad of Ramblin Jack" last night on the Sundance channel. Cool movie. Great footage of a lot of great folk artists, testimony, etc. But seeing it once is enough. What a mess his life was/is. Did it have to be that way for him to be loveable "ramblin jack"? I'm skeptical. Why should we be grateful that some guy wrecks his life just for fun and to be "an original". Couldn't we have loved him as a family man?

Home again with the kids today. Wife is at public aid trying to get us back on after a routine boot just for their jollies. She had the woman there lay down the phone on her for 50 min. yesterday. She sat there on the phone, not on hold but with the reciever down. How can people be so rude?

Anyway I'm sick of complaining about my job. Ever have a job you love but that you don't want to do alone? That's mine. I feel so isolated. Anyway I'm tired of describing my feelings about it. Umpteen times now. But when jon gets back tomorrow or today or whenever he feels like it the vein's gonna have to open again--big time! I've been asking folks to pray. God's the only one that in the end has any direct bearing on what happens 'sides me. I'm just so tired of being alone.

I could go on and on about how I've felt alone and rejected all my life but the violins would start and the skies would open and a voice would say "Enough already!"

Hey there I'm home today with my little girls. My wife's doing laundry so I'm here watching them. So much has changed in my life since I last wrote. I'm usually down in the dumps these days. Changes at work. I'm alone now in my job so its really depressing. I try not to think about it but its hard not to. So my personal issues are getting worse. And my friend who I normally talk to is on vacation. And I'm not being honest about things anymore either. That's not cool. But life continues on. God I hope it changes soon. Maybe I gotta change jobs. Work in a new area. I like this one a lot but not doing it alone. God please help me. Its really hard to rejoicein the Lord when I'm so messed up.

I'm thankful that my life is not just about what I do. I work in publishing and I enjoy it. I think about it too much. But I'm grateful for my wife and kids. They add a dimension to my life that I can't control. Little round circles of paper lay around my room next to kid scissors for no practical reason. A little shoe here and there. They made bug masks yesterday and Ellie had hers on this morning. In her mind the lips had lipstick and she offered some to mom. Mom said no thanks its not my color and Ellie went on to name five other colors, gray, white, blue, etc.

Yeh, that's cool. What would my life be like without them? I remember being a very lonely single person. Not for very long but longer than I wanted to be.

I'm reading Humanity: A Moral History of the Twentieth Century by Jonathan Glover right now.
I highly recommend it. Especially for Christians. Glover's not a Christian, but his concerns should concern us deeply.

So the news is good today. There's celebration in Baghdad as troops take the center of town.
The crowds are heralding us as liberators. Well that's cool. I am concerned about what we as the US
do after this war. The "Nation-building" that Bush was so against in the pre-elections. Mostly I'm concerned that we can't learn from past mistakes because as the world's single super power we believe we can't admit to committing atrocities. We can't play by the rules of the International Community unless we can set them vague enough to be able to easily overlook them.

Okay. While I'm in the mood I'm gonna rant about something I really care about. I'm sick of people like Tim Lahaye, Jerry Falwell, Hal Lindsey, and Pat Robertson "sharing" the gospel. Nobody I know is going to agree with me on this but I say these people can't be preaching Jesus as Savior on the one hand and expulsion of the Palestinians from the "promised" land of Israel on the other. Jesus is the same name as "Joshua" in the Bible. The Lord Saves. Who does the Lord save? Does he desire the death of one people for the livelihood of another?The book of Joshua just such a historic account. Yeah, now there were reasons. But everyone is still being killed in scores that rival the apocalypse in Revelation.

Speaking of killing, the second Intifadah has claimed and is claiming thousands of lives in the Middle East. The afore mentioned men are all but delighted by it. They're looking forward to Jesus' return and a fulfillment of their little dispensational time lines. Their book sales are up. Hallelujah. Meanwhile my Christian friend in the West Bank is treated like a prisoner in his own home.
Trump your love for Jesus to the world Jerry Falwell! I don't believe you. I don't believe Jesus believes you. Or at least he sees you as seriously deluded. You're doing more harm than good.
Your religion is all about being blind to the here and now in expectation of your mapped out future. So in your plan my Palestinian friends are just furniture being moved. Their lives are meaningless. Regardless of whether they are Christians.
And God help the Jews who are promised the land. I pity them for accepting these men's friendship. They aren't true friends. They don't even really care about their souls. It's all about the timeline.

I wish these guys. . . . Falwell, Lindsey, Robertson, Lahaye would prove me wrong.

I grew up in a Christian community. I guess that makes me interesting. I've known others that grew up like I did. Most got out as soon as they could. Probably, in their case, with good reason. I married, moved out of one, and moved into another and my wife and I now have three small kids. I think its worth it living this way. Prospects for retirement or making serious money? Nill. Prospects for becoming powerful and famous. Notta. Prospects for family, happiness, and simple living--pretty good. In some small way I believe that by living with less (though not as little as many) I'm standing for something. Maybe I'm cutting down on my share of waste. More importantly I'm raising my kids with values from another time/place. Maybe not. Maybe the world isn't as dark as all that. So why do I get the feeling that my country is currently exporting a democracy that I can't believe in? And powerful preachers who claim to believe all the right things are bellowing a "gospel" that has nothing to do with human beings?

Hey. Yeh I'm blogging now for the first time I guess. So my words are going to be up on the net again as little
ten inch characters that maybe five people will ever see. Still it feels good to write.

How do I view the world? With hope, but with pesimism. The Iraq war? Resignation. Israel and Palestine?
More anger than resignation. I've never been anything but American. Never been anything but an Evangelical
Christian. But lately I'm miserably ashamed of being both. Cuz frankly I hate where my country and my religion
are heading. At least I hate where those in power are taking it.