Memoir and Remembering

When I began my study on Memoir I found a philosophy book on
autobiography and remembrance. It raised the question of authority in
remembrance, and its my largest hurdle in writing memoir. Its a question
of personhood really. Who am I to remember aloud--to recount deeds done
to me that shaped me? The question becomes particularly hurtful when it
involves parents, spouse, siblings. . . . or my own hurtful dealings
with others. Perhaps this is why so many personal experiences must be
fictionalized. True remembrance is always only through the lens of
perception. Perception is open to doubt. Doubt brings fear and pushes
the attempt at memory to arms length. Not that doubt and fear can't
dissipate. But anything written becomes posterity---when read.

Well I went and saw Star Wars: Episode III with my dad the other day. Its hard to explain the experience. I grew up with Star Wars. My first favorite toys were Star Wars figurines, especially Luke Skywalker. Seeing Episode III was like the missing piece of the whole puzzle. The piece that makes the whole thing fit, you know. So its like a crack in the universe where everything's finally been revealed. My dad has only watched the movies passively. He remembers bits and pieces here and there but he didn't understand a lot of what was going on. I kept analyzing the scenes theologio/philosophically and then noticed that it was keeping me from the story itself. But each scene in this last film has all this abiding saga significance. I really got into Bin Kenobi's statement to Anakin on the volcano, "Only Siths deal in Absolutes." At first I thought, well the Right's gonna pick up on that and say, "See they're preaching Relativism." But then when I thought deeper the truth of the statement made me rejoice. Its not a question of Absolutes, its the Dealing in Absolutes. Perhaps that's where the Right to me are like Siths. The Sith Lord promises Anakin the power to save loved ones from dying. Benny Hinn, Kenneth Copeland, Joel Osteen all make this faith promise that with their kind of faith healing, wealth, and day to day power are all a guaranteed reality. Our president promises that with the philosophy and guidance of his neo-cons' New American Century he will rid the world of evil and accomplish the impossible: Democracy and Peace in the Middle East. The Christian Right believe they finally have a truly Christian president, moreso than any other president in history. That is dealing in Absolutes my friend. Ok, now I'll admit I'm constructing a narrative out of sci-fi for present reality and it doesn't really fit. But I've got that right as much as anyone right?

I just saved a bunch of religious film criticism articles on the Star Wars series here are the links:
http://www.unomaha.edu/jrf/CREDITS/Star_Wars.htm
http://www.unomaha.edu/jrf/disctopc1.htm
http://christianity.about.com/od/themovies/a/starwars_p.htm
http://christianity.about.com/od/themovies/a/starwars_2.htm
http://www.leaderu.com/focus/starwarsspirituality.html

I'm sure there will be many more discussions and essays by the end of the summer. I expect that this movie will lock up the box office this year as it should. I was more moved by this one than any of the others. It packs more theologio/philosphical reflective scenes into it than any of the others that I can remember. My dad's remark was that he never saw one tree in this whole movie. Ecology itself was sucked out of the narrative as death came to the front. He was amazed at the cities without anything but buildings in them. I pointed out that they were noticeably absent for a reason and that other worlds such as Naboo, the Ewok moon, and the world of the Chewbaccas were all in harmony with nature rather than without a need for it. They were primitive civilizations who were by-in-large rebels of the powers that be. But their people are the story's heros, working to restore what is good and right in the galaxy.

Star Wars is a morality play to be sure, with Anakin Skywalker as the central character. The son, Luke, has his own struggle for identity, but his father's life is very much a part of his own struggle. When he learns this, the Force and his father become central to his own search. That struggle resonates with every man I'm sure to some degree. Though truthfully the sons who can confront and be confronted by their fathers are rarer indeed.

gone

gone

yeh i like it better now that you're gone
its better being alone
i can enjoy my music alone
i don't gotta worry what you think
i don't gotta talk to you
i don't gotta look at you
and i'm happier
knowing you're happier
not thinking of me
living your own life
your so free

this morning

It was after I had had my quiet times this morning. My second cup of coffee was down to a quarter of a cup, which usually stays out on the counter for the rest of the day. I'd read the morning devotional, followed the daily morning readings for the day from the book of common prayer, and was feeling pretty good really. I'd moved on to a book I'm reading slowly, Wilco: Learning How To Die. Chapter Four entitled "No Depression" on the band Uncle Tupelo, which if you read me you know is one of my favorite bands. My son (who is nine) comes in and Martha and I start talking about vacation. We're on a limited budget this year. $1000 and probably 1000 miles. No doubt $200 in gas one way. We'll do our traditional shoe-string trip that involves freeloading with family and staying ten days in a borrowed domain. This year brings us to Eureka Springs Arkansas. Halfway through the conversation my son starts going on as he does about not getting what he really wants on vacation.

He wants a Gameboy Advance and we say we'll put it on the list. We explain we can't guarantee it but we do want to get it for him. Soon the thought that he may not get it gets too overwhelming and he begins tearing up and then really bawling. And there I sit reading my book. I'm beginning to get overwhelmed with irritation and I just choose to ignore my feelings in that situation. And then it occurs to me, am I a distant dad just like my dad was when I was that age? I look back and realize I got into books, nonfiction, theology, sociology, philosophy, in a desperate attempt to get close to my dad. It worked sometimes. But mostly he was gone or when around I did his chores or just stayed out of his way. The door was locked all week so he could prepare his sermons. I remember knocking for nothing in particular and it really pissing him off. He'd say "What do you want?" And I'd say "Nevermind" and leave and then he'd grab me and say "No now you're going to talk to me." And then whatever I had to say seemed terribly insignificant to me.

Truth be told I could hardly care less about Pokemon and Gameboy advance. He's into it because all his friends are into it. Otherwise he wouldn't care really. He's got a PS2 that we play together. Pokemon to my knowledge makes no products for PS2. That adds to the irritation. Anyway, will my son look back and remember that I didn't care about Pokemon? That I showed no love that day and buried my nose in my book and punted to Martha? Well yeh that bothers me. Somehow I've got to hurdle my stupid little irritations and connect with him. After vacation I'll have finished the Wilco book and I'll have grown closer to this old drunken band that broke up and will be no closer to my son. God help me connect with my boy! And God return my lost youth to me and soften my crusty old heart. I wasn't allowed to have a childhood of significance. Games, toys, and baseball cards were of no significance to the Kingdom of God. But I think toys and recreation are important to God now because they're important to kids for development.

Why was I irritated by this little boy sitting next to me with tears streaming down his face? The thought of not getting that game really rocked his world. I want to give him this toy but more importantly I want him to know that he's important to me. We'll find ways of connecting in the next few weeks. I tell him all the time that he's my favorite little boy in the world.